I saw my therapist yesterday which means the next day I am mentally drained. So I spent most of my Saturday in bed while I wasn't playing video games. Therapy at the moment leaves me feeling lost, confused, and empty. Mostly because I have to deal with all the feelings I have bottled up for years. Everything I have ever bottled up comes pouring out and it takes a while to process it.
We talked about my grandma, Doug, my ex-best friend, and Nicki. So it was overwhelming, to say the least. Though I learned a few things about myself. Instead of getting to know a person and figuring out if they will be a good friend or not I just go ahead and give them a piece of myself because something is better than nothing. I am learning that I can have a friend but it doesn't mean I have to let them have a piece of myself. They could just be a friend that I have a drink with but not invite into my personal life.
I'm learning there are many different types of friendships you can have. I am also learning that the little voice inside my head needs to go away. The one that tells me I'm not good enough, that who I am as a person is wrong. I may have cut my grandma out of my life but her words still haunt me daily. My therapist wants me to list 5 things a day that is good in my life which I think is a good idea.
I still focus on everything that is wrong with me but truly nothing is. I'm not a failure even though I think it. I'm not worthless but that is how I feel. I know this will be a long road but I'm going to get there. One Day at a time.
After talking about my past I realized how many toxic people I have let into my life who never cared for me. I promised myself when I was younger I would never be like my grandma I should have also promised never to let people like her in my life. Instead, I gave them an open invitation to walk right in. I traded one toxic person for another.
Doug tries to listen and help but he doesn't quite get it. But at least he listens when I need to vent or I feel overwhelmed. Besides online, he is the only true friend I have ever had and I"m thankful for that. He stuck by me even when I broke his heart. Which is amazing, though I know deep down when we each get our own place the friendship will fade. Which I think is for the best it might sting to lose a friend but I know he still loves me even though I don't love him. So I know he has to do what he needs to in order to move on. I'm okay with that it is just a sucky situation that is all.
I am making progress with the social situation I am talking more to people at work and so far it is going well. So a step in the right direction for me. I will get better I know this it just takes time. One step at a time.