It's the day before I go back to work and I can't get out of my head all these thoughts and feelings. It's like my brain is in overdrive and I have no control over it. The picture represents me so much. So many cracks and one more knick might just make me fall to pieces. All the thoughts that are running through me are irrational but I still have them. I know it's my anxiety talking but I can't get it to shut up. Somedays I wish my mask didn't break into a thousand pieces and scatter everywhere. Somedays I wish I could just put it back on and feel normal again.
Though I've never been normal not at any point in my life nor will I ever be. I am abnormal a freak. Somedays I don't mind that I don't fit in and other days like today I am freaking out. I've been on vacation for two weeks from work and I am scared to go back. I am scared of what people will think of my hair and how I am at the moment. I feel naked and exposed. I have spent the better part of my life pretending to be someone I'm not and it petrifies me to be myself.
Being what everyone else wanted me to be was like a security blanket. I never had to wonder if people would like me if I just pretended to like what they liked. Now I have to be and learn to be okay when people don't like me or find me weird. Though all that did was allow for me to have one-sided friendships. It attracted the wrong kind of friends. People who didn't care about me and were selfish. I spend so much time worrying about others I never stopped to think about what I needed or wanted. It was easier that way. I have scars that run deep and that have never healed because I just didn't want to deal with it. I fear being alone and having no one want me. It's all I have ever know. Hell, half my family didn't want me and thought I was a waste of space. So I put on a mask and kept people at a distance.
All that did was allow people to use me and take advantage of my kind and giving nature. I went from a toxic home to toxic relationships. I didn't end the cycle I just ignored that it was continuing. The only good thing that came out of it was my kids. This is a scary point in my life. I don't know the outcome and I know I might lose people along the way but I don't have the strength to continue just being someone I am not.
I want friendships and relationships that aren't one-sided in my everyday life, not just online. I want to fall in love and be loved in return. I want to be able to be myself not only online but every day. I want to be me but that might mean letting go of my comfort zone. That is the hardest part right now. I have to embrace the unknown and not fear it. I don't know if I have the strength to do that yet.